I hate to check luggage. If I can avoid doing so, I will. I have been victim to lost luggage on multiple occasions, and I don’t care to risk being in a strange city with no underwear. Call me silly…
I have a typical load-out when I travel to writing seminars and conferences. I have a carry-on sized, black roller bag that holds two hard cover books, two complete changes of clothes, and my shaving kit. This has gotten through security at DFW Airport in Dallas, TX; Hartsfield in Atlanta, GA; Sky Harbor in Phoenix, AZ; Salt Lake City, UT; and Newark, NJ. Unfortunately for me, returning from Boston this last time, I was faced with an overzealous TSA (Transportation Security Administration) bureaucrat. Here’s how it went down:
“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step aside while we search your luggage.”
Sigh. “Okay.” I put all my various items back in my pocket, lace my belt through my belt loops, refasten my watch, and slide my shoes on. I’m greeted with a slightly overweight, dark-haired, angry woman who proceeds to rifle through my belongings. As she sees my shaving kit, which is a zippered, brown leather container about the size and shape of a three ring binder, her eyes light up.
“What have we here?” She asks, her eyes gleaming from within their little folds of fat.
“It’s a shaving kit,” I reply, stating the obvious.
She unzips it and removes my Paul Mitchell Tea Tree Hair Gel, Shaving Gel, and my Crest Toothpaste. “The legally allowed maximum for liquids and gels is 3.8 ounces,” she says triumphantly, performing a flourish over the segregated items that would make Vanna White proud. My heart sinks. My shaving gel is 4.4 ounces, my hair gel is 4.2 ounces, and my toothpaste, even though it is a mid-sized tube, is astonishingly overweight at 4.0 ounces.
“I’ve been through several airports with this load out, and I haven’t had any problems.” I keep my voice cool and quirk an eyebrow at her. I’m doing my level best to look exactly what I am–a young, upper middle class professional who has had all the nonsense he’s going to take from a nine dollar an hour bureaucrat who was probably a bully in school.
“Well, you obviously haven’t been through here before.”
I nodded, letting a crooked smile turn my level gaze into a sneer. The entire weight of my expression is an open declaration of how much better than her I am. My entire posture and bearing at this point is completely designed to make the fur on the back of her neck bristle. “You can throw that stuff away, but let me leave you with something. Benjamin Franklin said ‘Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.’”
“I’m just doing my job, sir.” She has already thrown my toiletries into a bucket underneath the counter. Perhaps she wanted to avoid going to Target on her way home? “I’m going to need you to step over to the side.” She grabs a wand-style metal detector.
I realize her game at this point. I haven’t really done anything wrong; I’ve cooperated in not making a big fuss about losing my toiletries, so she can’t really hold me, but she’s determined to delay me as much as possible. I decide to play along, because in this situation, anything I say amuses me, makes me feel better, and is one less bored minute I have to wait for a delayed flight. “I can’t believe this. I’m within shouting distance of the first shots of the Revolutionary War. Concord and Lexington are less than an hour away!” The metal detector beeps as it passes my belt buckle, and she gives my waist area special attention. “Have you ever heard of the Boston Tea Party?” She is silent through my rant, but I’m just getting warmed up. “I suppose its all right to ‘just do your job.’ After all, Himmler just did his job. Are you going to go somewhere after work and slaughter some Jews?”
Her mouth tightens. I can tell she really wants to take up more of my time in her petty little power play. “As far as I’m concerned,” I said, an edge creeping into my voice, ”the TSA is little better than the Gestapo.” I gather my belongings, minus my metro-sexual hair care and shaving products, and stride away, my head held high. Behind me, I hear scattered applause.
What’s wrong with this picture? Did I go to sleep in the post-9/11 world and wake up in Soviet Russia?
Let’s be completely clear on a couple of items before I hear whining from either the extreme right or the extreme left.
- Our current security systems do not prevent determined hijackers. I’ll even offer the challenge for someone to provide an instance in which it has.
- Confiscation of gels/liquids is a feel-good ploy to make Aunt Hattie feel good about flying. The size limit just forces potential explosives to be divided amongst a conspiracy of many people. It doesn’t keep it from getting on the plane. The TSA needs to be seen doing something, so it does…things. Usually they don’t make sense.
- Changing our way of life and restricting our freedom to travel is playing directly into perpetrators of 9/11′s hands. They hate us for what we are, which is a society of free men and women with the courage and determination to govern our own affairs. The kind of war that they’re conducting is changing us into something different and ugly…and we’re letting it happen. We now have the framework of a secret police system in place. An ambitious congress or executive branch needs only to continue to twitch the reigns gently to complete the conversion.
So here I am in Fortress America. May God have mercy on my soul.
![Let’s Kill Hitler [HD]](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51hESmStH-L._SL160_.jpg)
While I don’t necessarily agree with the way our government has been handling ‘Homeland Security’ post 9/11, I think it’s rather unfair to rag on the people who are just following orders. The quote about Himmler is particularly disturbing because you are calling forth a memory of great tragedy and comparing it to the disposal of expensive hair gel. Had this woman sent you into a concentration camp and had you beaten, I could probably justify your point.
I’m sure this woman could have gotten a job at her neighborhood Mickey D’s, but perhaps some part of her was called and is proud to help make this country safer according to the larger beaureacrats who write the rules.
The post is beautifully written and something I wouldn’t mind seeing a character of yours live through , however it begs the question; Had you not been stopped and your bag let through, would you have remained silent while others received the same treatment you described?
Seems to me, it’s a case of the pot calling the kettle black.
*zing* That one went right over someone’s head.
This was a public exercise in satire, despite the fact that it was set in the context of a real-life confrontation. Jonathan Swift was one of the pioneers of this technique. He proposed a ludicrous idea in “A Modest Proposal” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Modest_Proposal) in order to have people think about the social evils of the day. My comment relating the TSA to the Gestapo serves two purposes: It is cathartic AND it is designed to make people think.
If I was convinced that TSA bureaucrat’s facial expression, body language, and vocal tone made her actions in accordance with procedure and not something that she took personal delight in, my reaction to her would have been completely different. I have rarely seen someone so in love with being petty for petty’s sake. All she needed were jackboots to complete the image.
There are, in fact, other jobs that are less hassle than sitting in front of an X-Ray machine that pay equal amounts of money. Office work and waiting tables are two positions that would pay MORE than her current position (and would gain her more respect from people like me).
To answer the remaining point, having never been privy to an instance in which this has happened (other than anecdotally), I’m not sure how I would respond. Hopefully with the same regard for civil liberties that I’ve demonstrated previously.
I’ve seen people like that at the DMV before. They hate their job. Hate people. And they don’t care who knows it and complains. If you do complain they go out of their way to make it worse. It’s like they feel we are lucky to have them to do their job and no way it’s a service on their part for us.
Speaking of making people think there are a lot of people outside the US who feel we are becoming a fascist state.
(And they are mainly talking about Bush)
i.e.
Every one is out to get us. We need to use everything and any means available to us to stop them.
Funny how close the line is from what you thought was the good ole USA to having a fascist leader and a framework of secret police.
For those of you who don’t think we are in trouble, just start observing the number of plastic Ice Cube Trays that you find on the side of the road. (Especially blue ones…) Now Really!!! who uses plastic ice cube trays? There are way more plastic ice cube trays (especially blue ones..) than can be accounted for with normal usage even if every person moving lost all they had! I’ll tell you what they really are, but I will probably be in danger of becoming extinct after divulging this secret. They are actually monitoring devices planted by aliens! (Yes, space aliens.. not mexicans.) Every material object has a resonant frequency. By tuning in the resonant frequency of these devices left alongside the highways, the aliens can capture both audio and video of what is transpiring within range of the pickup point. l believe homeland security is probably working some kind of a deal with either the Blues or the Grays to share that information. Since it is being gathered by someone else other than the gummint, it doesn’t violate our constitution. Keep the tin foil hats crimped to at least below ear level to avoid the mind control rays.. Oh no!! not the probe again… Blitz
*hahahaahahah*