Peter Hodges

ROCKWALL, TX (AP) - Richard D. Umber was recently detained for his role in assisting a local firearm in robbing a liquor store.

Police report that surveillance footage shows Umber arguing with a large, semi-automatic handgun as he entered a liquor store off of Ridge Road, just north of I-30.  Umber tried to angrily shove the pistol into his waistband before he was bodily dragged over to the counter by the handgun.  Richard was compelled to demand money, free alcohol, and the address of the local “whorehouse.”

“It was the strangest thing,” Samir Najeel, owner of the liquor store said.  “This crazy man just walked into the store while shouting at his pistol.  They acted like my wife and I used to, before she drank herself to death.”

Police tracked Umber to a ramshackle tavern on the outskirts of town.  Witnesses report
that
he was
waving a weapon
over his
head and demanding
that a waitress “Give
it up or get shot up.”Witnesses report that he was waving a weapon over his head and demanding that a waitress “Give it up or get shot up.” After a brief standoff, police managed to rescue Umber from the firearm.  Upon relinquishing the pistol, Umber looked bewildered and demanded to know where he was.

“This is a clear cut case of gun possession,” Police Psychologist Dora Dem said.  “I’m not talking about Mr. Umber owning a firearm–I’m talking about a gun just completely taking over a person and making them do things they wouldn’t normally consider.  Mr. Umber was fortunate that the police intervened when they did, otherwise, the evil of the handgun might have gotten him killed.”  Dora Dem is currently writing an article for Psychology Today which documents multiple cases of gun posession. 

This is the fourth case of “gun possession” that the town of Rockwall has seen since their election of Tommy Gonzalez (D) as mayor.  “I won’t have these murder machines taking over my city,” he said in his inaugural address.”They are a menace, and our citizens deserve to be protected from them.  Guns make you do stupid things like robbery and demanding one night stands.”

Guns given to police in Rockwall are treated with a special anti-evil spray developed by the same expert scientists who study global warming.  “We feel that police are resistant to the evil taint of their weaponry thanks to this spray,” Dr. Joseph Harrison, head of the U.S. Climatological Society, said.  “We couldn’t really test it on animals due to ethical concerns, but only three out of ten slime molds experienced noticeable side effects.”

“Of course the optimum solution is for police to get rid of their murder machines, too,” Mayor Gonzalez said.  “Once the police get rid of guns, the evil influence will be completely removed from our municipality.  Logically, if the police don’t have guns, neither will the criminals!”

Other municipalities across the country are watching the Rockwall experiment closely.  If it works, the United States could see a widespread ban on ownership of weapons within city limits. 

Umber will be held for questioning until the handgun can be put on trial.

Conversations around a camp

Conversation #1: 

Me: “Bet you can’t cut down a tree with a rifle!”
Catalyst: “Bet I can!”
Much shooting ensues.
Me: “Wow…so you CAN cut down a tree with a rifle.  Who knew?”
Catalyst: “Yeah; it only took about a hundred rounds to do it.”

Conversation #2:

Kasper:  “Why don’t you take the four wheeler to the other side of the river and set up some targets for us to shoot at?”
Me:  “Okay.  C’mon, Jesse.”
Jesse:  “I’m not getting on that thing.”
Me:  “Dude.  You’re going.”
Jesse:  sighs “Okay.”
Four wheeler ride ensues.
Me:  “I’m going to go put these targets on that pile of brush over there by the river.  It is a perfect place for snakes, but don’t worry about that.”
Jesse:  rolls eyes
Me:  “I’m going to place this targ–HOLY SHIT.”
Shooting ensues, after an intial attempt to fire without first chambering a round.
Me:  “I just killed a snake.”
Jesse:  “I’m totally staying over here now.”

Conversation #3:

Me:  “Jesse!  The tent is leaking!  It’s raining!”
Jesse:  snoring
Me:  “Jesse!  Close your side, dude!”
Jesse: snoring
Me:  “Damn it, Jesse, wake up!  Close your side of the tent!”
Jesse:  “Huh?  Wha-?”

Conversation #4:

Me:  “I’m going to dual-wield the SKS and my Beretta Carbine.”
Everyone:  “Oooh!”
Much struggling ensues.
Brian:  “Maybe if you extended the stock on the SKS.”
More struggling enues.
Kasper:  “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”
Blitzfike:  “You’re trying to do what?”
Me: “Nonsense.  I put two points in dual-wield last night.”
Silence ensues as everyone tries to decide if the RPG reference was funny.  Most decide that it isn’t.
Me:  “Finally ready.  Badfun, do you have the camera rolling?”
Badfun:  “Fire when ready!”
Much shooting ensues.

Conversation #5

Will:  “Ever shoot a double barrel twelve gauge with double-ought buck shot…both barrels at a time?”
Everyone:  “Noooo.”
Will:  “Anyone want to try it?”
Uncomfortable silence ensues.
Will:  “Come on.  No one wants to try it?”
Me:  “I guess I’ll try it.”
Brian:  “Are you crazy?”
Blitzfike:  “Have you lost your mind?”
Kasper:  “Those are buckshot rounds, dude.”
Me:  “Just give me the shottie.  I’ll give it a try.”
Will:  “Both triggers at once, now.”
Loud boom ensues, followed by ludicrous recoil.
Me:  “Holy f**king…OW!”
Laughter ensues.

A good time was definitely had by all!  We’ll do it again in November.

I’ll confess to the fact that this novella is not one of my favorite works. I try to explore a few themes in here that I’ve not attempted before, such as a strained marital relationship and the interaction between children and their father. I suppose you could say that I used this story to practice my craft. Only when I was finished with the novella did I realize that I had something that went beyond the overdone “colony in revolt” science fiction plot line with its exploration of duty, honor, family, and conscience.

I unfortunately performed the opening section of this work myself. Kate worked diligently over the weekend to keep the site up-to-date and deserved some time with her family and friends without having to worry about the tedious process of recording and editing. I’ll leave it to you, the readers, to judge whether or not I can carry a podcast on my own.

“Privateer - Prologue”
Story by Peter Hodges
Dramatic Reading: Peter Hodges
Music: “Main Title” (The Last of the Mohicans) and “Inside the Tam House” (Firefly)

 

 Privateer - Prologue [6:57m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Feel free to send me your flame emails.

The first movie in this series was excellent; the second one had pretensions of being epic.  Unfortunately, the third movie in the series is neither excellent nor epic, trying unsuccessfully to weld a tangled a plot onto a series of visual effects that are altogether unimpressive.

Spoilers of the first two movies follow.

Captain Barbossa (played by Geoffrey Rush) leads the crew of the Black Pearl to retrieve Captain Jack Sparrow from the clutches of Davy Jones (the Majordomo of Hell at Sea, apparently), ostensibly because Jack Sparrow is one of nine “Pirate Lords” who lead the pirates of the world.  The plot gets a little muddier as the East India Tea company, the British Navy, an ancient Greek goddess, and a weird, on-again/off-again relationship between Will Turner (played by Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) are thrown at the audience like so many rotten tomatoes.  Double crosses abound (they are pirates, after all) until the confusion in the theater becomes palpable.  I heard a teenage girl sitting next to me whisper to her mom:  “Who’s side is Captain Jack on now, mom?”  I couldn’t agree more. 

The special effects are excellent, but they ring hollow against the bastardization of mythology, mysticism, and 18th century naval battles.  The impact of the visual effects is marginalized to the point that they become almost boring.  After all, how many times can we see a wooden ship being blown apart for no compelling reason before it becomes tedium?  This is much less a costume drama or a historical action movie than it is a fantasy, replete with monsters, curses, and betrayals.  The world isn’t especially well built; at one point, we learn that while it was possible to bring Barbossa back from the dead, it is not possible to bring others back.  The inconsistency was never explained.

The one saving grace of the previous two movies was always Jack Sparrow, brilliantly played by Johnny Depp.  In this outing, his character is severely under utilized, sliding back to almost an ensemble role against the backdrop of the convoluted story.  A cameo by Keith Richards as Jack Sparrow’s father isn’t enough to outweigh the rest of the movie’s shortcomings.

If the movie had tried a little bit harder to be coherent, or if the plot points had been slightly more lucid, then I could see giving the movie a thumbs up.  As it stands, however, the only reason to see this movie is for the visual effects.  You could probably do just as well on DVD with a decent HD setup and surround sound.  Put this one on your Netflix list and skip the theater.

…and a good time was had by all!  I’ll recount our adventures on a post tomorrow.

We’ll skip the weekend mailbag this week (I have 62 in my inbox, but I am too tired to go through them tonight) and resume regular programming next week.

I owe special thanks to Kate who goes above and beyond to help me promote my writing and this site.

Those of you who’ve listened to last week’s podcast should be familiar with the part when the main character talks about a partially privatized NASA/ESA Space Station.

Here is the first step.

Taken from the article:

NASA’s lunar plans envision the building of an outpost on the moon which would be continuously manned like the International Space Station is now.

“Maybe at that point there will be commercial exploitation and we won’t be sending missions there but some of the commercial companies here will start sending people there,” Woodward said

…”It would be much better if there was an American company who had that capability and presumably being a private entity they may be able to do it for less expense,” he said, adding that such initiatives would also be welcome for the moon missions.

For as long as I’ve known Pete, his insights into the space program have been spot on. Here’s just another example of his highness being right…