Guide to Picking up Men (In the Bookstore)

In response to Kate’s lovely series of posts regarding how to pick up women in the bookstore, I thought I would help the ladies out with a guide to picking up men in the bookstore.

If you see a man shopping in the horror section (or dark fantasy as it is sometimes called) just run away. Especially do so if he looks unwashed, desperate, or creepy. The guy may be kinky, but kinky in his world could be deadly in yours. Stay away. This is the equivalent to the women who flock to early Anne Rice or Laurell K. Hamilton.

Guys in the fitness section really beg the question–can they actually read? Or are they there to just look at the pretty pictures? One night stands are the rule here, so tread carefully.

Men in the periodical section are all looking at the covers of the men’s magazines while pretending to look at video game magazines, car magazines, or sports magazines. Book stores cleverly surround the porn and quasi-porn with titles such as Car and Driver, Handgun Weekly, Sports Illustrated, and PC World to give men an excuse to surreptitiously check out who’s on the cover of Playboy. If you must seek a date in this area, look for the guy with his nose buried in a non-girlie magazine. That way, you know that he’s not there to relieve some “pressure.” (To put one of these men really off balance, approach one of them and ask him if he’s too embarassed to buy the Maxim or the Playboy he’s checking out out of the corner of his eye. When he stammers, offer to buy it for him.)

Any of the academic sections can be hit or miss. You might find a professor who has been too busy to look for love, or you might find an arrogant researcher who does not have time for lesser beings. The former will look at you with interest, and shyly move away from you. This is your signal to pounce with care–a hand on the forearm, a murmured “Excuse me,” or a simple greeting may break the ice. The latter will stare you down and clear his throat if he thinks that you are interrupting his browsing.

Don’t even bother going to the RPG section. You don’t want someone rolling a d20 to decide if he passes his Charisma check.

Men in the general fiction section are also hit or miss. You should pay close attention to what books they are browsing. If they seem drawn to true crime, technothrillers, or war novels, odds are that they are pretty normal. Further determinations should be based on their manner of dress, speech patterns, level of civility, etc. Engineer a minor collision with a potential suitor in this section, and see how he responds to your “clumsiness.” If he’s polite, then you’re a go for further interaction. As an aside, men who are reading anything from Oprah’s book club are gay. You’re not looking for a best friend who can paint your toenails and do your hair–you’re looking for a potential mate.

Men in the music section are stupid. Music is cheaper in a big-box retailer; it also indicates a certain amount of technological backwardness. You don’t want a luddite for a long-term relationship. Just chuckle to yourself and move on.

As a general rule, men in the science fiction section are creative, imaginative, and all about discovery. Some of them may lack social skills, and some could use haircuts and a few sessions with Miss Manners, but all are willing to learn for the chance to spend just a little bit of time with a real, breathing, woman. Approach one of these men as if it were a skittish cat. Provide comforting words, calming gestures, and emotional warmth, and suddenly, these men will be a loyal companion for life. The only caveat is that many of the men in this section will lack any sort of experience, but most are willing to learn from a dedicated teacher. This is a chance for you, as a woman, to really mold a man into the perfect mate…to “housebreak” him if you will.

Lastly, we come to the well-read man, or the Renaissance man. This is the man who reads everything–biography, history, literature, science fiction, psychology. If you see a man moving from section to section in the bookstore with a wide variety of titles in his arms, follow him closely and orchestrate a means to “run into him.” Try to speak widely about whatever you know, but don’t pretend to know something you don’t. Emphasize your sense of humor. This man is the one who is the real prize in a book store, but he is exceedingly rare in this day and age.  (There are very few like us.)

Hopefully this helps. If you have any further questions, or would like advice on a particular situation, please drop me an email.