An Open Letter to Vegetarians

Dear Plant Eaters,

My name is Peter Hodges, and let me open this letter by saying that I used to enjoy a multitude of fruits and vegetables. However, recent evidence has been brought to my attention by Mathma Gurundi (the famous “Veggie Psychic”) that indicates plants are capable of high levels of emotional integration.

In a series of studies conducted on corn fields in Iowa, wheat fields in Oklahoma, and Banana farms in Central America, Gurundi uncovered an inconvenient truth: While single plants lack any high degree of emtional intelligence, large networks of them combine to make a distributed hive-mind. Their emotional intensity increases as they bear fruit, whether this is a single grain, an ear of corn, or a banana. Harvesting the fruit of the Earth, rather than letting it fall naturally to the ground to replenish the soil, is tantamount to a lobotomy. By consuming plant material, we are continually handicapping the evolutionary development of our chlorophyll-bearing cousins.

Of course, we can’t eat meat either, because even shellfish have rudimentary levels of sentience. This leaves mankind with zero diet options, but that’s okay. We have a responsibility as the pinnacle of evolution to shepherd the plants and animals of this Earth in their growth and development. By allowing ourselves to starve, we prove that we have the moral right to exist on our firmament. We make a statement to the rest of our brothers and sisters in the plant and animal kingdoms that we are willing to sacrifice ourselves in the name of morality.

I urge everyone to boycott any meat, fruit, grain, or vegetable. If you can exist on water and vitamin supplements, I would urge you to do so, but to continue on our destructive course of consumption can only damage the way in which our spirit communes with the Earth.

Sincerely,

Peter Hodges
Converted Starvationist
Spokesman for Mother Earth