Mabel the Cow writes:
Dear Pete,
My name is Mabel.
I am a cow that lives on a dairy farm in Wisconsin. I am fed fatty foods and kept immobilized in a stall all day so that rough humans with udder fetishes can come by and man-handle my teats to get milk. I’ve never had a calf, but I get hormone injections daily so that my milk continues to be produced on time every day. I understand that the product of my body ultimately becomes cheese, butter, milk, and yogurt. I hope everyone chokes–oh, no! The overseer is coming!
Sincerely,
Mabel the Cow
Prisoner to Dairy Farmers
Somewhere in Wisconsin
Dear Mabel,
Thank you for writing, but I’ve had a change of heart. I tried vitamins and water for about an hour, and realized that it was the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. I’ve returned to having meat with two meals per day, every day. I consume the flesh of your brothers and sisters with pleasure…check that. I consume their flesh with wanton glee. I like steaks, hamburgers, ribs, roasts, brisket, and filets. I also feast upon your fellow farm animals at every opportunity, be the fowl or mammal.
What matters is that Humanity has clawed it’s way to the top of the evolutionary ladder (or was created as the steward of the Earth, depending on your world view), so it is my right to fatten you until you’re bursting with nutritious, meaty goodness and then slaughter you (humanely, of course) for my table. This is done with no malice or cruelty; this is simply a necessity of comfortable, tasty survival.
Unfortunately for you, that means I will continue to drink my Dr. Pepper and iced tea, I will continue to eat a variety of fruits and vegetables, and most importantly, I will continue to be a carnivorous human who enjoys the taste of animal flesh (cooked medium). Vitamins and water are for an idealistic ascetic who has abdicated his lordship and dominion over the meat-bearing animals of the world.
To further my agenda of meat-eating, I have formed a special interest/lobbying group called M.E.A.T. (Men Eating Animals Tenaciously). I hope you’ll consider contributing funds to our legislative efforts as we try to pave the way for tax breaks on animal farms, decrease the restrictions on genetic modifications that generate tastier steaks, and increase “Steak Awareness” amongst American citizens.
Sincerely,
Peter Hodges
Carnivore
Spokesman for M.E.A.T.
I would like to join the Brethren of M.E.A.T, and would love to attend the annual “Eat Meat With Pete” fund raiser BBQ…
*sighs*
I don’t know why I even hang around here anymore. Why don’t you just build a club-house with a crayon hand scrawled sign that says, “No Girls Allowed.” Or better yet, why don’t you have some sort of female IP restriction.
Ugh.
The ability to act and think with your penises will eventually go away once Viagra doesn’t work.
(MEN) eating animals tenaciously… puhlease.
Why not — (H)uman (O)mnivors (T)enaciously (D)ining (O)n (G)rub?
It’s “man” in the generic sense, i.e. “mankind.”
Kate, you’re welcome in our meat-club. You can even come to the “Eat Pete’s Meat” fundraiser that Static alluded to.
I give up.
(But I’m laughing while I do it.)
MEEEE TOOOOO!! I will cheerfully bring the cowboy cookware set to the BBQ. We could get a whole roast pig (or 76 squirrels) on the rotor without too much trouble. Remind me to tell you about the road kill squirrel we cooked at one of the early TB outings… Blitz
hrmm.. is it wrong that I’d probably not eat mable if she could actually write me that letter? I generally don’t feel much guilt about eating.. well, anything, aside from the occasional human baby found on the roadside >.> I mean… Eating another thinking, and most importantly, caring race would feel wrong. Eating an animal that turns grass into meat, and doesn’t think shit about it the whole time, well, that just seems right
and Kate: If you don’t like the boys’ club, you can always start your own club. Who knows, maybe you’ll even get more members than us. Lord knows, I’d love to see you beat the M.E.A.T.
Charter member of M.E.A.T.
“Eat Meat with Pete” and “Eat Pete’s Meat” are two totally different things. Have fun with the latter.
I’d Like to apply for my M.E.A.T. membership, as long as I don’t have to “Eat Pete’s Meat”.
ICHOPU into tasty little bites.
The event is only “Eat Pete’s Meat” for Kate. Everyone else can have “Eat Meat with Pete.” Tasuja will make his world-famous lamb!
See, now you’ve spoiled my breakfast.