The picture in the post below  says it all. Those of you who have come to understand Pete, know that should an opportunity present itself, he would take the helm of the ship that we lovingly call Mother Terra.  Paying homage to the old addage that the apple doesn’t fall from the tree, we can see budding overlordship in those hungry baby blue and beautiful eyes sported by his son.

So to make his impending reign a little more fruitful, I’ve come up with a few pointers for the future leader of the universe, (because we’ll be well on our way to exploring the solar system by the time Baby Hodges grows up) to help guide and train him in the craft of evil overlordship.

Find yourself a trusted advisor.

This will be very important as you start to build your empire. Two brains are better than one, but three is a crowd when it comes to the opinion department, so limit this special position to just one person. Your XO will be undoubtedly loyal, protect you and give his/her life for the cause. He/she will also make excellent mixed drinks.

**I humbly offer my daughter Allyson for the ’trusted advisor’ position, but with one caveat.  Don’t piss her off. Capable of the “I hate you and will see you in hell” stare,  you might find your teenage self stripped bare and tied to a tree covered in honey…

…near a cave…

…filled with bears.

Surround yourself with slightly brilliant people.

Make sure your posse is smart, but not too smart. They should have enough intelligence to suggest courses of action, however not witty enough to get angry at you for wholly modifying the content and making it your own. No one likes a messy Overlord ‘democracy’. History has proven this type of government just doesn’t seem to work. Go figure. Like Communism, it just seems to work on paper but the application doesn’t gel in the real world.

Build an army.

You can choose from humans or monkeys, but please be aware that monkeys take direction a lot better if you bother with sign language. Oh, and find some way to give them genetically altered wings, because really; who wasn’t freaked out by the murderous flying primates in the Wizard of Oz?

Destroy your enemies at any sign of disagreement. (even if it’s one of your own)

Diplomacy is so 20th centry. Kill anyone who openly opposes you. If it worked for Queen Elizabeth I, it can work for you. On the friendly fire side; If it just so happens that your LT returns from Starbucks with a tall half cafe latte with 2 packets of Splenda and you really ordered a venti half cafe latte with sugar, it’s time to end him. If he can’t get a simple coffee order correct, take a page from the motto; ”Boom, headshot!” Make it very clear to your minions that they are not to upset Overlord Hodges. Get the damn orders (even if it’s just coffee) right!

Have a harem.

Sorry, Baby Hodges is only well; a baby. So we’ll discuss this at a time where girls are more interesting and more uh, legal.

Build an arsenal early.

You don’t want to find yourself only armed with a frozen chicken leg and an old bullet-less rifle when the rebellion is landing at your shores. Invest in military technology at an early age! It’s lasergun, pew-pew-pew all the way and you will need to keep up with the latest trends in decapitation, murder and torture. Ask Dick Cheney before his third heart fails. He seems to be really good with that kind of strategery.

I will continue to come up with new ideas of my own for his Overlordship Hodges and please feel free to add your own in the comments section below. Afterall, we have to start early if we want the coup to be successful. Keep your eyes out for more helpful hints in the coming days/months/weeks/years…

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 27th, 2007 at 4:27 pm and is filed under Satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.