Call it post-modernist positive destructivism, but I want a hero who takes no prisoners, who doesn’t hesitate to kill the bad guys, and who isn’t interested in turning criminals over to the cops for a lengthy trip through the judicial system at the taxpayer’s expense. I suppose in our modern, ultra-violent society, in which the media has made every attempt to desensitize us with images of violence and perversion, it is inevitable that those of us who cling to some notion of things absolutely right and wrong would find mercy and reliance on our failing system to be somewhat distasteful. With this in mind, I’ve created a little list of characteristics for my ideal hero.

Think Han Solo, John McClane, or Malcolm Reynolds. Leave Batman and cop shows at the door!

  1. Shoot to kill. Always.
  2. Shoot twice. Shoot center of mass to knock them down, then walk over to them and (without gloating) shoot them in the head. Even the most expensive ammo is cheaper than your life.
  3. The feeling of glee that you get staring down the tritium sights of your pistol into the rapidly glazing and terror filled eyes of your adversary will only make you have nightmares later. Do the job quickly and professionally and get out. If you take pleasure in the job, you’re a psycho. Turn yourself in now.
  4. If a perpetrator runs from you, shoot him anyway. It’s better than 80/20 odds he’ll accost someone else, and at least this way, you don’t lay awake at night wondering if the guy you let go is assaulting a co-ed.
  5. There is no such thing as a fair fight. Biting, clawing, scratching, and going for the crotch are all acceptable as long as you win. (Bonus points for throwing sand or gravel in your adversary’s face.)
  6. If you can’t win, make your conflict so expensive in terms of physical pain or discomfort that your opponent disengages. When he does, shoot him.
  7. If someone comes after you with a knife, sword, mace, or bat, honor does not demand that you meet him with an equal weapon. Shoot him and be done with it.
  8. Poison is a perfectly acceptable weapon. It’s not just for women!
  9. If you find that you must meet for pistols at dawn, then get up in the middle of the night and kill your opponent in his sleep.
  10. Booby traps are a great way to level the playing field. The nastier they are, the better.