Intelligent Spam

Here on The Hodge, I’ve received thousands and thousands of spam posts. I use a plug-in called Akismet to catch them, but occasionally one will slip through the Akismet filter and end up in my moderation queue.

I’m struck by the general lack of intelligent design behind the spam messages. Take, for example, the most recent spam that I received that advertised breast implants for a famous pop singer. It was unclear from the spam message what I would see when I clicked on the hyperlink. Would I, perhaps, get to buy breast implants removed from the starlet? Would I get to see a before and after shot and marvel at the difference in size? Would I, perhaps, be privy to a scandal in which I would see an extremely pixellated close-up of some scar tissue?  It could be that I would see scar tissue indicating that my favorite fun bags were as fake as that fantasy I had involving Jessica Alba and the Cookie Monster outfit. (Don’t ask.)

Savvy internet users will never click on a blind URL, because they know the kind of unscrupulous digital huns that await behind every blind re-direct. If you’re going to spam, spam smartly, so at least you have a chance of ambushing my computer with heinous malware.

Here’s some ideas for good spam:

1. URLs rife with vulgar names for anatomical parts/functions are generally right out. Approach your interactions from a more polite standpoint and add a dash of mystery. Example: “Casey would like you to probe the dark secrets of her past using a variety fresh produce.” Who wouldn’t want to know how Casey’s past could be revealed using a pumpkin?
2. Promising an increase in dimension to my ”pulsing manhood” doesn’t work. Instead, opt for an instructional course that tells the women of the world how to please me. This is personal internet time, people! I get nothing out of turning a hot dog into a turkey leg.
3. Nigeria is obviously a hotbed of deceit and lies. The next time you want my bank account number, try impersonating my rich uncle. Bonus points if you get his name right.
4. Appeal to the sentimental side. Tell me that if I don’t send you money, millions of puppies will die. Images of starving children in Africa are notorious for hardening American hearts, but show those same Americans a Golden Retriever puppy who’s being mistreated in a puppy mill and watch the donations pour in.