I have a business plan.
Ever since I realized it was possible to strain so hard while defecating that you can actually push a coil or two of intestine out, I’ve been thinking about a revolutionary new weight loss treatment.
Why not tapeworms?
Tapeworms are parasites that live in your intestines, attaching themselves to the intestinal wall and leaching nutrients from the foods that you ingest. Serious tapeworm infestations have been known to kill people who eat larger than normal amounts of food, simply because their nutrient absorption is severely mitigated by the parasite. In essence, they starve to death, no matter what they eat.
But what if…
What if you could closely control the growth of the parasites to such a degree that you could use them as a weight loss treatment? Imagine…eat what you want, when you want. You want to eat a large pizza and a cheesecake? Go right ahead. You aren’t absorbing all those delicious calories. Want to eat a marbled ribeye and four dozen chocolate chip cookies? Nothing’s stopping you with your handy tapeworm companions.
The question you’re probably asking at this point, if you’re a responsible venture capitalist, is this: “Why did you mention the whole anal prolapse thing?” That, my potential investor, is the real beauty of my scheme. You see, tapeworms reproduce by passing out of the body in fecal material. No one in the FDA is going to let you process a finished pharmaceutical (even if it is a weight loss treatment) out of poo.
The best thing to do is to find a willing person who commonly suffers from the above referenced prolapse. About once a week, give him a powerful laxative (maybe something that they give to horses, like EquiShine). One he prolapses, put him a in a clean, sterile area and harvest the tapeworms directly from the prolapsed intestine. Sterilize them in a manner that preserves their viability, package the proglottids (sections of tapeworm “eggs”) in a gelcap form, and then sell the drug at your local apothecary.
Tapeworm infection is relatively easy to treat. Once you’ve lost the desired weight, see your local doctor for de-worming and you’re ready for bikini season!
My suggestion would be to use overweight college girls for tapeworm farms. Girls that fall victim to the dreaded “freshman fifteen” would be eager to earn some extra cash and contribute to science. Serving as a tapeworm farm could be presented with the twofold benefit of serving science and preserving the potential to have a boyfriend again. My suggestion would be to pay them a flat rate for being the host with bonuses for tapeworms above and beyond their weekly quota.
It’s foolproof. People are always getting fatter, so you’ll never run out of potential clients.
Venture capitalists, please send letters of intent using the “Contact Info” button at the upper left side of the site. Thank you for your interest.
![Let’s Kill Hitler [HD]](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51hESmStH-L._SL160_.jpg)
It’s funny because we can’t tell if you are joking
Tapeworms, like most internal parasites, also secrete a substance that soothes the immune system so it doesn’t pester them. It explain the correlation to the rise in asthma in modernized countries. I don’t know if there is official evidence in medical journals, but I read a reliable article about a man that tamed his severe asthma with a small following of tape worms. It was a fascinating read, given all the hurdles he had to overcome to get infected.
I caught a news brief about doctors that use sterilized maggots to clean wounds. Maggots naturally eat dead flesh, leaving live flesh alone. Sorta like these fish: http://buzzfeed.com/jredmondiii/fish-y-pedicure
Scientists need to learn how to control where fat can be stored.
I can see the “tapeworms are our friends” campaign now.
And I found that funny. Sick, but funny.
Reminds me of the “V” series… the visitors are our friends… no really
And if the mention of the “V” series didn’t take you back, then how about the lyrics in this song:
“Believe it or not, I’m flying on air, I never thought I could feel so free-e-ee! Flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Its just meeeeEEeeeeEeeeEeee!”
And yes, I have that song memorized for just such occasions.
Ahem…
memememememememeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
Look at what’s happened to me,
I can’t believe it myself.
Suddenly I’m up on top of the world,
It should’ve been somebody else.
Believe it or not,
I’m walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free-.
Flying away on a wing and a prayer.
Who could it be?
Believe it or not it’s just me.
It’s like a light of a new day,
It came from out of the blue.
Breaking me out of the spell I was in,
Making all of my wishes come true-.
Believe it or not,
I’m walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free-.
Flying away on a wing and a prayer.
Who could it be?
Believe it or not it’s just me.
Thank you, and please remember to tip your waitresses….
Pete,
I’m disturbed by your sheer genius. All we have to do is name them something different. How about “Calorie Absorption Ribbons” (The CAR diet…)? It sounds a lot like the gastric bypass bands, and “No Surgery Required!” will go a long ways.
We’d have to market it along with cholesterol medicine, because I doubt the little wormies would want to eat the crap we injest — but still, we could sell this weight loss idea to the crunchy, all natural crowd pretty easy.
It beats the heck out of my Pushup Diet. Now… who do we bribe in the FDA?
Extract the little buggers after a month or so, dry them out, and sell them like Slim Jims… each segment of the worm represents another bite-sized morsel.
“Eat what’s be eatin’ ya!”
A little late, but this is actually an old idea. Here’s a link to a real add that was printed circa 1900:
http://pzrservices.typepad.com/vintageadvertising/2007/07/vintage-ad-for-.html