Iran Designs New Destructive Weapon

TEHRAN, IRAN (AP) – This morning, Iranian officials declared themselves a world nuclear power with the invention of the FU-238 Fissile Device. Long suspected of purifying large amounts of weapons-grade uranium, the announcement triggered no surprise from NATO. The nuclear test was conducted in the Persian higlands north of Yazd.

The Iranian weapons program has been under a scandal since it was widely reported that a previous missile test was subject to digital altering, “photochopped” in the parlance of internet junkies who examined the photos and spotted the fake. Iranian officials still insist that the original missile test was unaltered. Mohummad Fakir, the Minister of Informaition, said: ”Our technicians are the very best in the Islamic Crescent. There is no way the Great Satan could spot a fake.”

The Ministry of Science offered further clarification. “Big boom. Many big boom. Boom boom like your American strippers.”

Al Jazeera is hailing Iran’s test as a triumph of Islam over a decadent and waning West. The channel has been running the photo nearly around the clock, interrupting only to trumpet their impending exclusive interview with President Barack Obama and his reaction to a new member of the nuclear family.

In a scientific paper released to the European nuclear community, Iranian scientists bragged that they could control the shape and size of a fission reaction with the FU-238 fissile device. “We have sent a message to the world with our first detonation,” they claim (picture shown at left). “We will speak the infidel’s language, using a sign that they cannot mistake about the coming jihad.”

The NSA is dubious about the accuracy of the photo. A  highly placed source said on the condition of anonymity: “While the explosion is characteristic of a high-yield nuclear device, the resemblance to a clenched fist and extended middle finger is uncanny. We know of no means to control an explosion with such accuracy.”

The IAEA’s spokesperson, Helmut von Mittler von Winchel is plainly dismayed. “We searched that country from top to bottom and all we found were hairy women and camels. The women were very hairy. They had mustaches, bigger mustaches than der fuhrer. The camels, now…after a while the camels started to look attractive. They, had these lips…uh, what I mean to say is that if they were making nuclear weapons, then they certainly fooled me.”

Jean Valleaux, a secret advisor on military affairs to French Prime Minister, was less certain than the NSA. “We’ve had the French military practicing. Drill sergeants have the soldiers dropping their rifles repeatedly and placing their hands in the air. If Iran looks to be able to reach continental Europe with ballistic missiles, we want to be prepared to surrender.” Unfounded rumors indicate that the French have hired elements of Saddam Hussein’s Republican Guard in order to be abreast of the latest techniques in surrendering.