Here’s the summary of the novel that I’m hoping to include in the query letters to agents. The instructions that I’ve received from various sources tell me that the description needs to be short, concise, and give potential readers a good idea about the content of the book. I need to know if you, as potential readers, would read a book given this description. If not, why not? Is it the way the description is written, or is it that this is just not your “cup of tea?” If you have additional comments, please include them below. I’m interested in making this as tight as possible.
Alchemy and Empire is not your typical fantasy novel. There are no elves, no dwarves, and no vampires. There are no unpronounceable names. There are no mythical creatures bent on destroying the world, nor is there some unnamed dark shadow that has lain in wait for centuries. Instead, Alchemy and Empire is a character-driven narrative of betrayal and intrigue, set in a world similar to Renaissance Europe. It is a society transitioning from a religious worldview to a humanist, scientific one. Nobles vie for power in a rapidly changing society in three, closely linked plot threads.In the first, Tobias, a renegade Alchemist, escapes from an imperial dungeon and convinces a merchant sea captain that their world is round. Together, they discover a new continent beyond the sunset, populated by a vast and savage people gifted with strange abilities. Tobias isn’t certain if they practice magic or alchemy. Armed with their knowledge and power, Tobias pledges vengeance on the the society that imprisoned and forced him into exile.Far to the northwest of the capital, William Lancaster has been educated by parsons, soldiers, and alchemists. Discovered as a boy by a parson and a city watchman in the flaming ruins of a brothel, he is potentially the heir to one of the five richest and most powerful families in the empire. His choice to rebel against the established order is a catalyst for change throughout the known world, sparking civil war among the elite.In the capital, Jessica Blaisewell, scion of another of the five families, must learn to represent her family’s interests at the imperial court after her uncle disappears. Her integrity and honesty are challenged by the decadence and corruption at the heart of the empire. As her society begins to fragment, she must commit her family to choosing sides in the looming conflict.
Alchemy and Empire is not your typical fantasy novel. There are no elves, no dwarves, and no vampires. There are no unpronounceable names. There are no mythical creatures bent on destroying the world, nor is there some unnamed dark shadow that has lain in wait for centuries. Instead, Alchemy and Empire is a character-driven narrative of betrayal and intrigue, set in a world similar to Renaissance Europe. It is a society transitioning from a religious worldview to a humanist, scientific one. Nobles vie for power in a rapidly changing society in three, closely linked plot threads.
In the first, Tobias, a renegade Alchemist, escapes from an imperial dungeon and convinces a merchant sea captain that their world is round. Together, they discover a new continent beyond the sunset, populated by a vast and savage people gifted with strange abilities. Tobias isn’t certain if they practice magic or alchemy. Armed with their knowledge and power, Tobias pledges vengeance on the society that imprisoned and forced him into exile.
Far to the northwest of the capital, William Lancaster has been educated by parsons, soldiers, and alchemists. Discovered as a boy by a parson and a city watchman in the flaming ruins of a brothel, he is potentially the heir to one of the five richest and most powerful families in the empire. His choice to rebel against the established order is a catalyst for change throughout the known world, sparking civil war among the elite.
In the capital, Jessica Blaisewell, scion of another of the five families, must learn to represent her family’s interests at the imperial court after her uncle disappears. Her integrity and honesty are challenged by the decadence and corruption at the heart of the empire. As her society begins to fragment, she must commit her family to choosing sides in the looming conflict.
![Let’s Kill Hitler [HD]](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51hESmStH-L._SL160_.jpg)
Removed value judgement from the first sentence, tightened language throughout.
Revision two:
Alchemy and Empire has no elves, no dwarves, and no vampires. There are no unpronounceable names. There are no mythical creatures bent on destroying the world, nor is there some unnamed dark shadow that has lain in wait for centuries. Instead, Alchemy and Empire is a character-driven narrative of betrayal and intrigue, set in a pale reflection of our history. It is a society transitioning from a religious worldview to a humanist, scientific one. Nobles vie for power in a rapidly changing society in three, closely linked plot threads.
In the first, Tobias, a renegade Alchemist, escapes from an imperial dungeon and convinces a greedy sea captain to sail west. Together, they discover a new continent beyond the sunset, populated by a vast and savage people gifted with strange abilities. Tobias isn’t certain if they practice magic or alchemy. Armed with their knowledge and power, Tobias pledges vengeance on the society that imprisoned and forced him into exile.
Far to the northwest of the capital, William Lancaster has a checkered past. Discovered as a boy by a parson and a city watchman in the flaming ruins of a brothel, he is potentially the heir to one of the five richest and most powerful families in the empire. His choice to rebel against the established order is a catalyst for change throughout the known world, sparking civil war among the elite.
In the capital, Jessica Blaisewell, scion of another of the five families, must learn to represent her family’s interests at the imperial court after her uncle disappears. Her integrity and honesty are challenged by the decadence and corruption at the heart of the empire. As her society begins to fragment, she must commit her family to choosing sides in the looming conflict.
Here’s revision three:
Tobias, one of the foremost alchemists of the empire, is convicted of vivisecting teenage girls under the guise of advancing his studies. He mounts a daring escape from an imperial dungeon and convinces a greedy sea captain to sail west into exile across an uncharted ocean. Together, they discover a new continent beyond the sunset, populated by a vast and savage people gifted with strange abilities. Tobias isn’t certain if they practice magic or alchemy, but armed with their knowledge and power, Tobias pledges vengeance on the society that imprisoned and forced him into exile.
In the far north, William Lancaster has a checkered past. Discovered as an orphaned boy by a parson in the flaming ruins of a brothel, he is potentially the heir to one of the five richest and most powerful families in the empire. His choice to rebel against the established order is a catalyst for change throughout the known world, sparking civil war among the elite. The only problem is that the person who could prove his bloodline is dead.
In the capital, Jessica Blaisewell, scion of another of the five families, must learn to represent her family’s interests at the imperial court after her uncle disappears. Her integrity and honesty are challenged by the decadence and corruption at the heart of her world. She begins to learn intrigue from her captain of the guards and a Master Alchemist, but each of them are using her as much as she is using them. As her society begins to fragment, she must commit her family to choosing sides in the looming conflict.
Tobias, William, and Jessica are on a collision course to decide the fate of an empire perched on the edge of a dark age.
ALCHEMY AND EMPIRE has no elves, no dwarves, and no vampires. There are no unpronounceable names. There are no mythical creatures bent on destroying the world, nor is there some unnamed dark shadow that has lain in wait for centuries. Instead, ALCHEMY AND EMPIRE is a narrative of betrayal and intrigue set in a pale reflection of our history. It features a society transitioning from a religious worldview to a scientific one, providing a prime opportunity for the nobles of the land to grasp at the reigns of power.
ALCHEMY AND EMPIRE is complete at 127,000 words.
Best regards,
Pete Hodges
Not sure if it’ll sound better, but perhaps splitting the last paragraph and putting the 2nd 1/2 of it at the very beginning, and leave the 1/2 half at the bottom, and punch up each 1/2 a tad to make it flow and stand alone. That way you’ll have a basic intro, the 3 plot paths, and a summary of how it’s different that others of the genre.
Most of what I’ve seen get accepted for query letters is to jump right into the plot. A lot of times you’ve got three sentences to get an editor or agent’s attention. That’s why I open with psycho serial killer dude who cuts a part little girls. People go: “Eww.” Then they keep reading.
For some reason I am getting hung up on the word greedy as a descriptor for the sea captain. I don’t know the story well at all but something more akin to treasure hunting or profiteering seems to fit better for my brain. Now, my brain isn’t a writer’s brain but that’s my 2 cents. The rest sounds quite intriguing.
Hmm; I like profiteering. It’s a more descriptive word.