The game got recycled for me earlier this year when I realized what a great physics game with a quirky sense of humor it was for a precocious child, so my son and I played through it.

I bought Portal 2 for co-op, mainly to play with friends Kate Baker and PoorYorick, but since I’m baking cupcakes tonight (don’t ask), I decided to try out the single player game as a stop-gap.

Wow.

Valve (the developer) is brilliant. Whether you’re talking about Half-Life or Half-Life 2, Team Fortress 1/2, their management of Counter-Strike, or their entire Steam platform, they have the Midas touch. They managed to make what should have been a retread of survival horror into one of the most compelling co-op games out there (Left4Dead), and now they’ve taken platform-style puzzling by the scruff of the neck. Valve has squared off and kicked the Mario Brothers square in the nuts.

This is an adult’s platformer, filled with gallows humor, dark sarcasm, and interesting characterizations. The world is dark and foreboding, so much so that I will not play this one with the kiddo for a while. The resurrection of GLaDOS (your nemesis that you burned at the end of the first game) isn’t a surprise, but they way it happens is visceral and hysterical simultaneously.

Stop reading this review and go download Portal 2 off of Steam. You won’t be sorry.

Jake Gyllenhall plays Captain Colter Stevens, a downed helicopter pilot whose last memory is of fighting in Afghanistan. He finds himself inside a mysterious capsule, where he is sent “back in time” to relive the last eight minutes of a school teacher’s life on a Chicago commuter train.

The science gets a bit iffy, but it’s not true time travel. Stevens is actually reliving the last eight minutes of the teacher’s life through residual brain activity from a body recovered after a terrorist attack destroys the train. Because of advanced life support, he is able to relive this eight minutes over and over again, similar to Bill Murray’s experiences in Groundhog Day.

Stevens tries different approaches to determine who planted the bomb, why they planted it, and what their future plans might be. Playing through a variety of scenarios, he learns about the woman who shares his compartment every morning on their commute, the people surrounding him, and the actions that lead to the train’s detonation.

The movie plays with the ideas of free will and fate, mixes in an old-school sense of honor and bravery, and plays with some tropes that will make conspiracy theorists clutch their mental g-spots.

Gyllenhall is perfect for the role–earnest, diligent, and a perfect choice for a slightly war-weary soldier. The surrounding cast features recognizable character actors, all of whom turn in excellent performances. A director with less artistic skill than Duncan Jones (of the estimable Moon movie of two years ago) might have made a sorry mess of such a convoluted script, but it shines under his control. Pay close attention to details, though, because there are a few “Easter Eggs” for the wary viewer.

The ending is extremely satisfying, and one of the best examples of a well-tied together plot that I’ve seen recently. I can’t think of anyone who will be disappointed with it. The only recommendation you need is when my buddy and I looked at each other when the credits rolled and said (nearly in unison): “Best movie this year so far.”

9:05 PM – Language, Violence, Adult Content, Nudity – How can this be bad?

9:07 PM – The wall is really impressive. Nice special effects.

9:08 PM – Did anyone else get the sense that the  Night’s Watch cloaks wouldn’t be that ragged? And OMG at the child impaled on the tree. Wow. Wildings arranged in a weird geometric shape, torn limb from limb?

Waymar Royce is PERFECT. Just as arrogant as he was in the books.

9:12 PM – The white walkers are perfect. The blue eyes are effing creepy. Looks like the filmmakers borrowed something from the fast zombie camp to make their first showing. Not exactly my picture of them.

9:14 PM – The opening credits were really cool, going across the surface of Westeros. Musical score left me a little cold, though.

9:16 PM – Bran Stark and Jon Snow are perfect. Jon Snow acts more like a big brother than Robb. Not sure I like Robb yet. Arya and Sansa are just like I pictured, although Sansa appears to be older than she was in the books. Is that because of her destiny later?

Rickon looks good as well. Catelyn looks a little too old and not as beautiful as I had in my mind’s eye.

9:18 PM – Oooh…good tension between Jon and Catelyn.

9:20 PM – Jon Snow again more of a brother to Bran than Robb. And wow…actual beheading. Could’ve done without that. That’s two in only fifteen minutes.

9:23 PM – The direwolf, and the symbolism is awesome. Killed by a stag. The pain in Jon Snow’s face as he says there are five pups, and then he finds the albino. Amazing.

9:25 PM – King’s landing not quite how I pictured. Is that Jon Arryn lying dead? And a parade of the silent sisters? Followed by a secne between Jaime and Cersei that did not happen in the books, but probably works better to establish the characters.

9:27 PM – The Godswood is beautiful, peaceful. The love between Catelyn and Ned Stark is obvious.

9:29 PM – The point of the barber scene was what? And is that Theon lurking in the background? Not how I pictured him.

9:30 PM – Bran climbing – he’s SOOO perfect.

9:32 PM – Joffrey looks like a little bastard. Perfect casting. But Joffrey and Robb were supposed to be the same age, or near enough? That doesn’t look apparent.

Mark Addy is a little to grizzled to be Robert Baratheon.

9:35 PM – Tension between Cersei and Robert crackles.

9:37 PM – Random boobage. A scene not in the book where Tyrion is in a Winterfell whorehouse. A great introduction to his character, and a good way of establishing Tyrion and Jaime’s relationship when he interrupts the frivolities.

9:40 PM – Emilia Clark as Danaerys – I was worried that she wasn’t good for the role, but seeing her (and seeing her naked with her creepy brother getting her ready for a bath), makes me reconsider. She is beautiful and looks as though she possesses true steel.

9:44 PM – Viserys is a douchebag. “I’d let his whole tribe fuck you, all forty thousand men and their horses too, if that’s what it took.” I’m already rooting for him to die screaming.

9:46 PM – Sansa is just as simpering and vapid as she was in the books. Again, good casting.

9:49 PM – I didn’t mention this before, but Peter Dinklage is beyond perfect as Tyrion. I love the scene between him and Jon Snow. “All dwarves are bastards in their father’s eyes.” Such raw pain in Tyrion’s face there.

9:52 PM – Cersei asks Sansa if she’s bled yet. Ouch. That’s kind of direct, isn’t it? They left her at 13 years old. Also, nice conflict with Jaime and Ned there. Not something I would have expected, but it fits.

9:55 PM – Catelyn and Maester Luwin arguing with Ned Stark of his future – not exactly as the book had it done, but well done anyway.

9:59 PM – *sigh* – I should have known that the Dothraki made the perfect stage for HBO to do their usual shenanigans.

Jorah Mormount – I’m ambivalent about him.

Ilyrio’s gifts of the dragon eggs caused the music to change. Anyone who has not read the books should know that something is definitely up with them.

10:02 PM – The wedding consummation, with the “no” repeated over and over again by Khal Drogo was awesome. Too bad they didn’t convey the tenderness that Martin did in the books. (And holy crap, Emilia Clark is my new crush.)

10:07 PM – “The things I do for love.” Some Jaime is drilling his sister. Is the only sexual position in Westeros doggy-style? Really? Only the dwarf had something approaching normal sex. Was this Martin’s intention?

AFTERTHOUGHTS:

No scenes with Arya and Sansa and their wolf pups. I thought this was a missed opportunity. In that vein, no one talked about naming their pups, which I also think is very important/symbolic.

Jon Snow was relegated to the outdoors, rather than with the commoners during the banquet in the books. I prefer the book approach to this and am not sure why they changed it.

The Dothraki are HBO’s excuse to throw mindless depravity on the screen. I can see the producers meeting: “Do we have frontal female nudity in this episode yet?” Another producer: “No.” Writer: “Well, we haven’t finished the Dothraki scene yet.”

Seeing Bran get pushed from the tower was even more horrifying than reading the books. Jaime’s impetuousness was perfectly portrayed. It makes you want to punch him in the face.

Would someone who hasn’t read the books understand what’s going on? I’m not sure. Ned and Catelyn; Robert, Jaime, and Cersei, Jon Snow, Bran, Arya, Sansa, and Robb;  Viserys, Ilyrio, Khal Drogo, and Danaerys; it’s too many characters in such a short time. Will the standard television audience make the mental investment? I hope so, because I was enamored.

(This isn’t a statement for or against homosexuality. If you came here seeking traction in the on-going debate, you’ve come to the wrong place. This is simply me taking the two best looking characters in the game and rubbing them together until sparks fly.)

As my character kisses her for the first time (full-on girl/girl kiss, booyah!), I see the indicator flash across the top of the screen that I earned an achievement called “Flirtatious.”

Awesome.

Nothing is more jarring, particularly in a role playing game that already makes it difficult for me to take it seriously, than seeing a bullshit message that exists firmly in the “meta” territory go across my screen. I could give two tinker’s damns about achievements in a role playing game. Most of what I want to see involves character development, choice-driven plot development, and the drive to get better equipment.

Why, Bioware? I endured it with Mass Effect 1 and 2 because I realize our less savvy console brethren need a constant reminder that they are progressing through the game; also because both of those games steered fairly close to shooter territory.  Seeing it here in Dragon Age 2 once again reminds me that I’m outgrowing the direction that the game industry is heading. Developers are spending their time on console games and giving us shitty ports on the PC.

Am I against all achievements? Actually, in shooters, I like to see them. In that case, I want to know how many times I’ve shot my best friend in the crotch, or blown up a Humvee full of terrorists with a rocket launcher. It’s useful, because the arena is competition between and among other human players.

My fear is that we’re raising a generation of gamers that expect achievements for every little thing they do. I could see a kid eating his vegetables every day for a week, then having his mom hand him a certificate that said: “ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED – VEGETASTIC!”

God save me from the idiocracy, because I think it’s coming.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some truly funny moments, including one in which I almost spewed Diet Dr. Pepper all over the people in front of me. There is the obligatory gratuitous nudity. There is the odd juxtaposition of modern crude vernacular in a medieval setting (which in most cases is genuinely amusing), and there is the shot of Natalie Portman in a thong. But all this is barely held together by the douche-baggery of Danny Mcbride’s Prince Thadeous. If he were a little more heroic, or allowed to ad-lib a little more (see his turn in Tropic Thunder for a glimpse of his genius), the comic heights of the movie would have been greater.

Natalie Portman and Zooey Deschanel make respectable eye-candy, as well as being part of the trifecta of actresses in which I would demand that my wife hold the camera for while I…ahem. (Scarlett Johassen is the third member of that august body.) Portman works well as a comedic and action actress, and it makes me a little sad that she didn’t have more to work with here. In a role similar to the ones Angelina Jolie has been getting over the past year, I think she would be absolutely dynamite.

Should you see the movie? Sure…if you can rent it on iTunes or watch it as a party with like-minded friends. I have to say that approaching the film with a modicum of intoxication would make it a lot funnier. I’m not sure I’d recommend spending money in the theater to see it.

Winter is coming…

The plot is layered, combining Zack Snyder’s familiar visual style (Watchmen, 300) with Matrix-style effects that haven’t been this visually compelling since the Wachowskis did it. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that this is Inception–it doesn’t even come close. But as a pure popcorn spectacle with underlying social commentary on both entertainment and our perception of reality, it works quite well.

Spoilers follow.

Baby Doll, a very young-looking twenty year old, loses her mother in a vaguely 1950′s milieu. Her evil step father finds out that her mother left everything to Baby Doll and her younger sister in the will. The stepfather hatches a nefarious plan to abuse the girls. Baby Doll takes his gun and attempts to shoot him, but she misses and shoots her sister instead. Thus, she is institutionalized, and the head orderly is bribed to make sure she gets lobotomized in five days.

Baby Doll is then treated as a drudge, scrubbing floors, peeling potatoes, etc., until she begins therapy with a mysterious Polish psychiatrist. When she does, the institution is magically transformed into a slave-brothel. Baby Doll, suspected to be virginal, is being kept for a mysterious figure called “The High Roller,” arriving in five days. (Note the similarity in time frame above.)

To earn her keep, she must dance. When she does so, she is transported into another layer of fantasy where she must fight massive robotic samurai, dragons, zombie German soldiers, and stage a train robbery on one of Saturn’s moons. Confused yet? The frame story gyrates between one layer of fantasy and the next, never returning to the root world of the institution until the end. Inception, this isn’t, but it’s easy enough to follow if you pay VERY close attention in the beginning of the film.

The movie does have its flaws, the biggest being the emphasis of style over substance. The visuals themselves are loosely strung together, but the symbolism for them is rather cleverly orchestrated in the first ten minutes of the film.  The acting is about what you’d expect, but how Oscar-worthy does it have to be when you’re a hot girl with a gun against a green screen? Men 18-34 will drool, while those of us over 34 will recall our glory days playing video games with cleavage-bearing heroines with fondness.

Should you see the film? I think it depends a great deal on your sense of aesthetics. Some will appreciate the effects spectacle as the triumph that it is, while others will appreciate the social commentary on entertainment. As a popcorn movie, I found it to be worthy of IMAX admission price and will probably purchase a form of it in HD, whether on iTunes or Blu-Ray, as a show-off piece for the home theater system.

As a side note, I did cringe at the idea that Zack Snyder is the one in charge of the Superman reboot after watching this movie. I’m not sure Clark Kent can survive a Snyder-style makeover without kicking Lex Luthor off the roof of a building and yelling: “This is METROPOLIS!”

Best short story: “The Things” – Peter Watts

Best dramatic presentation, long form: Inception

Best dramatic presentation, short form: “Vincent and the Doctor” – Stephen Moffat, Series 5, Dr. Who; “Brown Betty” – Jeff Pinkner and J. H. Wyman, Season 2, Fringe

Best editor, short form: Neil Clarke, Clarkesworld

Best professional artist: John Picacio

Best semiprozine: Clarkesworld

Best fan writer: Jerry Holkins, Penny Arcade

John W. Campbell award nominee: Dan Wells (author of I Am Not a Serial Killer and member of the “Writing Excuses” podcast).

WTF?

Instead of letting you assume the role, your in-game surrogate is voiced by a charming lady with British diction (like Mass Effect, only stupid). Instead of seeing your responses laid out before you (sometimes as many as five in the first game), you’re left with a radial menu that has three responses with five to seven word summaries. A cute little icon gives you a halo with wings, a theater mask, and crossed weapons, letting you know that you can be nice, snarky, or evil. What you pick isn’t always what the character says, or at best, is only an approximation.

(Yes, I typically play girl characters in video game RPGs. No, it doesn’t say anything interesting about my psychology.)

Combat uses the same basic abilities over and over again. The combat animations look more like something out of Mortal Kombat or Soul Calibur and not like the deliberate, coordinated actions of a party of medieval-technology fighters. I had to put the game on hard mode to even make it challenging, and even then, it was root, nuke, stun stragglers, tank’n'spank. I’ve gotten more challenge playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with my son.

To save money on art assets, the game keeps returning to the same places over and over again in the city of Kirkwall. I got so tired of the same locales over and over again at the halfway point in the game that I was wishing that I could get my fifty gold pieces to go on the dwarven expedition just for a change of scenery. Sure, the fiction was interesting, but if the game doesn’t support interesting world-building with great play mechanics, it’s wasted.

Speaking of saving money, the game MSRP is $59.99. Most reviews say the game clocks in between 25-30 hours, depending on how many sidequests you do and how deeply you explore the codex. I have 10 hours into it and I’m about 65% done. Really? An RPG that can be finished in a marathon weekend? And the publisher jacked the price up ten dollars? Nice.

This is Bioware’s first misstep in my opinion, and the root of that misstep lies in trying too hard to appeal to the watered-down RPG mechanics that are favored by console gamers. Bioware would have done well to polish the formula that worked well in the first game, allow users to use their saved characters, and focus on deepening the connection that players had with the world and the time invested in building their parties.

I’m already about two-thirds of the way through the game, so I’ll probably finish it, but don’t expect it to show up on my best of the year lists. Right now, it’s shaping up for a solid C+.

On a side note, PC developers who have defected (or at best, diversified) into the console segment misunderstand a couple of key points. The first is that abandoning development on the PC, or porting the console bullshit to PC, doesn’t drive PC gamers to buy consoles. It drives us to give up gaming and do something more productive with our lives. Of my friends in the big LAN party scene of the 90′s, I only know one who plays console games seriously, and he has a teenage son, and does it as a bonding activity. As developers have focused their efforts on the consoletards, the market (anecdotally) has contracted, not shifted.

The other point is that those of us who are still loyal to the platform are spending less money on hardware, and going for longer cycles in between upgrades. The era of being a viable PC hardware enthusiast is over, and with it, hardware manufacturers are feeling the bite.

Grr. Rant over.