Peter Hodges

TEHRAN, IRAN (AP) – This morning, Iranian officials declared themselves a world nuclear power with the invention of the FU-238 Fissile Device. Long suspected of purifying large amounts of weapons-grade uranium, the announcement triggered no surprise from NATO. The nuclear test was conducted in the Persian higlands north of Yazd.

The Iranian weapons program has been under a scandal since it was widely reported that a previous missile test was subject to digital altering, “photochopped” in the parlance of internet junkies who examined the photos and spotted the fake. Iranian officials still insist that the original missile test was unaltered. Mohummad Fakir, the Minister of Informaition, said: ”Our technicians are the very best in the Islamic Crescent. There is no way the Great Satan could spot a fake.”

The Ministry of Science offered further clarification. “Big boom. Many big boom. Boom boom like your American strippers.”

Al Jazeera is hailing Iran’s test as a triumph of Islam over a decadent and waning West. The channel has been running the photo nearly around the clock, interrupting only to trumpet their impending exclusive interview with President Barack Obama and his reaction to a new member of the nuclear family.

In a scientific paper released to the European nuclear community, Iranian scientists bragged that they could control the shape and size of a fission reaction with the FU-238 fissile device. “We have sent a message to the world with our first detonation,” they claim (picture shown at left). “We will speak the infidel’s language, using a sign that they cannot mistake about the coming jihad.”

The NSA is dubious about the accuracy of the photo. A  highly placed source said on the condition of anonymity: “While the explosion is characteristic of a high-yield nuclear device, the resemblance to a clenched fist and extended middle finger is uncanny. We know of no means to control an explosion with such accuracy.”

The IAEA’s spokesperson, Helmut von Mittler von Winchel is plainly dismayed. “We searched that country from top to bottom and all we found were hairy women and camels. The women were very hairy. They had mustaches, bigger mustaches than der fuhrer. The camels, now…after a while the camels started to look attractive. They, had these lips…uh, what I mean to say is that if they were making nuclear weapons, then they certainly fooled me.”

Jean Valleaux, a secret advisor on military affairs to French Prime Minister, was less certain than the NSA. “We’ve had the French military practicing. Drill sergeants have the soldiers dropping their rifles repeatedly and placing their hands in the air. If Iran looks to be able to reach continental Europe with ballistic missiles, we want to be prepared to surrender.” Unfounded rumors indicate that the French have hired elements of Saddam Hussein’s Republican Guard in order to be abreast of the latest techniques in surrendering.

…here’s one more Star Wars video, link courtesy of Katercakes.

Being a scientist, I was trying to help two of the regulars here on the site understand the physiology of reproduction. Since they are both Star Wars fans, I decided to use this video as an instructional tool. It provides a great visual on what happens during conception.

I’ve recently read some rather pretentious blog entries and periodicals that include some terms and phrases that make me think the writers are trying too hard to be cool. I enjoy a clever turn of phrase as much as the next wordsmith, but some of the words that our would-be cultural icons are trying to slip into mainstream consciousness are simply ridiculous. In nearly every instance, the words are forced on the reader without proper context or in a fit of mental regurgitation.

Here’s my definitive list of “poser” writer words/phrases.

• Zeitgeist
• Gestalt
• Obama
• Cultural mandate
• Blogfarming
• Idiosyncratic synergies
• Carbon footprint
• Religious juxtaposition

If you, or anyone you know, is tempted to use any of these words in a Live Journal entry, a periodical, or a blog post, please stop them immediately. Only responsible citizens such as you or I can halt this trend of non-speak among those that pretend to the hold the reigns of our media establishment.

I hope I’ve given you enough of a sample that you can recognize other words that might fit in this category.

I may just have to resort to doing something like this.

Heinlein was also known for sending out quirky holiday/special occasion cards as well. Surrounding the outer edges of the card with dates that he could circle, they’d go a little something like this:

We wish you

…a Happy New Year!

…a Merry Christmas

…a Joyful Chanukah

…a Bountiful Year of the Pig/Rat/Ox/Tiger/Hare/Dragon/Snake/Horse/Sheep/Monkey/Fowl/Dog

(It goes on, with other holidays as well such as the 4th of July, a ritious Guy Fawkes Day and a safe Lunar Landing (notice the capitals there.)

A brilliant idea from a brilliant writer if you ask me.

I have a business plan.

Ever since I realized it was possible to strain so hard while defecating that you can actually push a coil or two of intestine out, I’ve been thinking about a revolutionary new weight loss treatment.

Why not tapeworms?

Tapeworms are parasites that live in your intestines, attaching themselves to the intestinal wall and leaching nutrients from the foods that you ingest. Serious tapeworm infestations have been known to kill people who eat larger than normal amounts of food, simply because their nutrient absorption is severely mitigated by the parasite. In essence, they starve to death, no matter what they eat.

But what if…

What if you could closely control the growth of the parasites to such a degree that you could use them as a weight loss treatment? Imagine…eat what you want, when you want. You want to eat a large pizza and a cheesecake? Go right ahead. You aren’t absorbing all those delicious calories. Want to eat a marbled ribeye and four dozen chocolate chip cookies? Nothing’s stopping you with your handy tapeworm companions.

The question you’re probably asking at this point, if you’re a responsible venture capitalist, is this: “Why did you mention the whole anal prolapse thing?” That, my potential investor, is the real beauty of my scheme. You see, tapeworms reproduce by passing out of the body in fecal material. No one in the FDA is going to let you process a finished pharmaceutical (even if it is a weight loss treatment) out of poo.

The best thing to do is to find a willing person who commonly suffers from the above referenced prolapse. About once a week, give him a powerful laxative (maybe something that they give to horses, like EquiShine). One he prolapses, put him a in a clean, sterile area and harvest the tapeworms directly from the prolapsed intestine. Sterilize them in a manner that preserves their viability, package the proglottids (sections of tapeworm “eggs”) in a gelcap form, and then sell the drug at your local apothecary.

Tapeworm infection is relatively easy to treat. Once you’ve lost the desired weight, see your local doctor for de-worming and you’re ready for bikini season!

My suggestion would be to use overweight college girls for tapeworm farms. Girls that fall victim to the dreaded “freshman fifteen” would be eager to earn some extra cash and contribute to science. Serving as a tapeworm farm could be presented with the twofold benefit of serving science and preserving the potential to have a boyfriend again. My suggestion would be to pay them a flat rate for being the host with bonuses for tapeworms above and beyond their weekly quota.

It’s foolproof. People are always getting fatter, so you’ll never run out of potential clients.

Venture capitalists, please send letters of intent using the “Contact Info” button at the upper left side of the site. Thank you for your interest.

Here on The Hodge, I’ve received thousands and thousands of spam posts. I use a plug-in called Akismet to catch them, but occasionally one will slip through the Akismet filter and end up in my moderation queue.

I’m struck by the general lack of intelligent design behind the spam messages. Take, for example, the most recent spam that I received that advertised breast implants for a famous pop singer. It was unclear from the spam message what I would see when I clicked on the hyperlink. Would I, perhaps, get to buy breast implants removed from the starlet? Would I get to see a before and after shot and marvel at the difference in size? Would I, perhaps, be privy to a scandal in which I would see an extremely pixellated close-up of some scar tissue?  It could be that I would see scar tissue indicating that my favorite fun bags were as fake as that fantasy I had involving Jessica Alba and the Cookie Monster outfit. (Don’t ask.)

Savvy internet users will never click on a blind URL, because they know the kind of unscrupulous digital huns that await behind every blind re-direct. If you’re going to spam, spam smartly, so at least you have a chance of ambushing my computer with heinous malware.

Here’s some ideas for good spam:

1. URLs rife with vulgar names for anatomical parts/functions are generally right out. Approach your interactions from a more polite standpoint and add a dash of mystery. Example: “Casey would like you to probe the dark secrets of her past using a variety fresh produce.” Who wouldn’t want to know how Casey’s past could be revealed using a pumpkin?
2. Promising an increase in dimension to my ”pulsing manhood” doesn’t work. Instead, opt for an instructional course that tells the women of the world how to please me. This is personal internet time, people! I get nothing out of turning a hot dog into a turkey leg.
3. Nigeria is obviously a hotbed of deceit and lies. The next time you want my bank account number, try impersonating my rich uncle. Bonus points if you get his name right.
4. Appeal to the sentimental side. Tell me that if I don’t send you money, millions of puppies will die. Images of starving children in Africa are notorious for hardening American hearts, but show those same Americans a Golden Retriever puppy who’s being mistreated in a puppy mill and watch the donations pour in.

In the beginning there was Hypothesis, and behold! The Hypothesis was good. The Hypothesis was with Science, and the Science with Hypothesis, and in their union, they began to forge a universe of law and order between them. But Hypothesis was not constant. After a while, Science realized that Hypothesis no longer fit the growing universe quite right, so Science introduced a laborious process with Hypothesis in order to make Theory. Science would only be in union with Hypothesis long enough to produce Theory. This was to be the first of many unions, for while Theory could have no other consort than Science, Science could have many unions with many different Theories. Hypothesis was content with this arrangement, because it became uncomfortable when it didn’t fit quite right.

In those days, Theory was said to be born of Hypothesis through the incredibly difficult labor of Experimentation. However, after many seasons together, Science and Theory became so comfortable together that it became unreasonable to go through the difficult process of Experimentation. Theory then became jealous of science and sought to raise its value at Science’s expense. After a lengthy discussion, Science agreed to rename Theory as Truth. Theory became very content with its new name.

Hypothesis became alarmed that it was no longer held in such high esteem by Science. It had held the position of precursor to Theory for so long, that it was difficult for it to not serve its purpose. There was no longer room for Theory, because Truth required no Experimentation, thus there was no need for Hypothesis in union with Science. Hypothesis reluctantly sat alone one day, until it was greeted by Political Agenda.

Political Agenda told Hypothesis that it, too, could become Truth just by saying so. Hypothesis was doubtful, but agreed to try it. After a period of many seasons, Hypothesis understood that it, too, could be Truth, just by repeating early and often. Since Hypothesis became truth without the laborious process of Experimentation, its union with Science was severed.

Forget hugging trees. The Sierra Club is campaigning for your dollars to help save the Wooly Mammoth. In this age of global warming, only concerned citizens such as yourselves can prevent this disaster.

For more information, follow this link.

This is a “documentary” that shows what happens to the wounded after battle.